At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
