Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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