I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize