Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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