so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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