Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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