Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
