The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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