He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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