its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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