just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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