if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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