Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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