i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
