You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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