You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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