I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
