Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
