It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
