i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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