Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
