If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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