Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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