Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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