he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
