I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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