Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
