Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
