my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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