I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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