apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
