well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
