What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
