i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You smell like stripper and shame
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
