Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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