a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
