I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
sarcasm needs its own font
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize