Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
