I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
