I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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