Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
