dude i'm inner monologue high
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
