I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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