ADVERTISEMENT

• (248): View more from Michigan

  Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up.  I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Yeah...you probably will...

  (248): View more from Michigan

  well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.

  Fav 4 1225 1582

  share tweet
  

• (919): View more from North Carolina

  Heybabeimwearingurpanties

  Fav 15 1229 2032

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  after a month anything with tits is on the radar

  Fav 12 1105 3842

  share tweet
  

• (904): View more from Florida

  Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.

  Fav 8 985 2377

  share tweet
  

• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other

  Fav 14 2020 4563

  share tweet
  

• (319): View more from Iowa

  Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?

  Fav 14 1436 864

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (951): View more from California

  I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

  Fav 3 2166 1055

  share tweet
  

• (850): View more from Florida

  I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.

  Fav 2 1569 647

  share tweet
  

• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.

  (1+44): View more from

  But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?

  Fav 0 743 502

  share tweet
  

• (857): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on

  Fav 1 414 326

  share tweet
  

• (417): View more from Missouri

  I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.

  Fav 1 390 119

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (303): View more from Colorado

  My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.

  Fav 2 220 79

  share tweet
  

• (254): View more from Texas

  I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.

  Fav 0 17 37

  share tweet
  

• (727): View more from Florida

  I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.

  Fav 0 118 4

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (415): View more from California

  He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.

  Fav 0 83 8

  share tweet
  

Randomize