how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
