You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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