U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
