I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
