I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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