don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
