Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
