do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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