SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Bring me that man meat
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize