what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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