3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i dont even know how to be here
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Randomize
