I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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