Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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