WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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