Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
