party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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