dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just cropdusted the office
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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