My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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