also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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