I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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