I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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